I'm trapped in a spiral of negativity and I can't get out. It's so frustrating. I feel like I've been this way for at least a month...that the first thing I say about anything is something negative. I bitch about traffic, the heat, the roaches, my commute, the library, moving, the job situation, my car, Jeremy's writing, how chubby I'm getting, you name it. I don't want to be a crabby Appleton anymore. Is it because I'm overrun by stress? That I'm about to change nearly everything about my life? That no matter how many resumes I send out, nobody wants to call me for an interview? I don't know, but I've got to find a way out of the spiral. It's chewing me up like a crazy monkey. Monkey, stop gnawing on me!!!
I sent off another resume today and followed up on two other positions. The train keeps moving. I'm trying to stay hopeful and repeat the mantra: I'm a good employee. I have great skills. Someone will hire me. Someone will hire me. Someone (please anyone) hire me. One or two seem on the verge of calling...and I'm living with the philosophy that if I leap into my dreams that the universe will create a net to catch me. Please?
In talking with Jeremy's mom the other day, and in making a big calendar so I can get organized, I realized that we're moving in six weeks. Six weeks! That's fucking crazy!! Right now, we're still sticking to the plan. Job or no job, we'll be living in Minnesota by October first. I'd wanted to fly there to find an apartment and go the MN State Fair over Labor Day weekend, but I don't think I can. If I ever get an interview, I highly doubt anyone would schedule it for the Friday before a holiday weekend. I can't afford to fly there, and then fly there again. Argh! As much as I'd love to visit MN twice in a month, our bleak financial situation prevents me from doing it. Gotta start saving up for the U-Haul!
So Jeremy's getting shipped off to MN at the end of the month and will return by the 5th with a place for us to live. His schedule is much more flexible than mine and he knows what we're looking for. We've scouted out a bunch of duplexes and apartments online already to make sure we can afford to live there. I called a bunch of them, but right now it's really too soon to ask for October. By the beginning of September, I'm hoping the landlords will be willing to hold it for a few more weeks. (Thanks too to Angie for driving by a long list of places! Thank you and your extensive knowledge of the city and where NOT to live.) By and large, rent is a little cheaper than here and most places include heat, water and garbage within the rental price. I'd love a duplex with two bedrooms and a porched sunroom with a potential garden and hardwood floors and parking, but at this point I'm not fussy. If it feels reasonably safe, if we can afford it, if it's decent and accepts cats, then I'll take it.
Then, when we have a lease, I'll give my notice at work. My last day will probably be the 23rd of September, followed by our going away party, followed by mad, crazy, aggressive packing before we drive out by the 28th/29th. Totally insane!!!! How it will all get done is unknown to me. We have so much shit to deal with...and own so much crap...and need to deal with freaky cat and freaky car....we'll need all the help we can get. So all y'all in Atlanta and the Twin Cities, I'll be calling in my favors pretty soon. Six weeks! Good lord!!
Some days I am so confident in the decision, and so excited to move. (I was working in the check-in room last week and saw a children's book called Snow Plows. The cover included a large photo of a snow plow pushing a huge drift in a storm. I literally filled with glee at the picture and couldn't wait to see actual snow plows! You can tell I've been away too long when I daydream about snowstorms. Honestly, I never hated winter. Yeah, February is drag and the snow lasts too long, but I don't mind cold. I'd rather be too cold than too hot any day of the week. Ghana just wrecked me for heat, and I constantly complain about the hot weather in Atlanta. I never have been and never will be a summer person.) I miss my family and old friends, I miss the upper midwest mentality, the lakes, the fall and being in the loop of my nieces' lives. I know that it will be infinitely easier to find a job when I actually live there, as well as planning a wedding for next year. I tell myself, there's no time to waste. Move now! Go! Go!
There are other days when I am plagued with doubt. When I second guess myself and fill with anxiety that I am leading us into a pit of financial ruin. Yes, Im a good worker. Yes, I have constant work experience. But so what? What if I don't find a job? How will we pay the rent?
I guess it's good that finances are the only thing that torture me. Otherwise, I don't have doubts about the concept of moving. Yes, I will miss my friends here terribly. Yes, I'm leaving a good paying library job where Im respected and due for a small raise in a few weeks. Yes, there are plenty of things I will miss about Atlanta. I've never lived a place this long since my hometown in Wisconsin. But I'm soooooooo ready to go home. I think if I only had a job secured, I would feel better about the whole thing. I would know that at least I can pay the rent. I've never moved before without lining up employment first, and I don't think I'll ever do it after this. Too much stress!!!
So that's where I'm at. We are teetering at the Gorge of Overwhelming Change. I'm about to yank out my roots and spread them hundreds of miles to the north. The weirdest thing, as I told Jeremy yesterday as we drove home from the beloved Farmer's Market, is that I don't know when we'll be back to Atlanta. Every time I've moved away from here, I knew I was coming back. But now...now we're leaving for good. And that is freaking bizarre.